
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas