@Matt_The_1st Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
@_NinJar I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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@Matt_The_1st 
@ddsmidt A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
@spacebatmcbat Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
@OctopusCaveman Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
@MomofTeen That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
@LanieLalaBugs You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
@MrSandeepP Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
@Vice_Queen I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
@DainWins Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
@_Mo_lee_ This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas