I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Ovenable?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.