@itiskeri I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
@_NinJar I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
You Might Also Like
@itiskeri 
@DudeMass Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
@saltssaltgirl I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
@CaucasianJames just witnessed a drug deal
@ddsmidt I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
@robwhisman reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
@GrillinChillin9 Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
@iscoff Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
@bourgeoisalien 5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
@LMemeit Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?