@_NinJar

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

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@itiskeri

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

@DudeMass

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

@saltssaltgirl

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

@ddsmidt

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@bourgeoisalien

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

@LMemeit

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?