me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.