me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.