Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
The Sun
Proctology is located in A55
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know