I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Challenge accepted.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆![]()
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it