I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
being a writer on Twitter:
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Breaking news:
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
