“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
#milo
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The three genders.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose