At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Sign at work today
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.