ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
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“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Covid like
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
こいつ天才
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE