*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Dammit Chief not again
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.