I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!