If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler