My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese