The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.