[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.