boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL