Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
We all have our pet causes.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Received some very disappointing news today
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.