ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Danger is very dangerous
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one