Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
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Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words