Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.