Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
That eye roll….
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey