serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me: