Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Kermit goes Blue.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar