Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups