Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]