Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”