Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can