Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
When can I start eating bats again.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Isn’t
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.