No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
don’t we all
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos