OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: