How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.