“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Boom, boom, ching!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
men are simple creatures
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.