Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
this post was so formative to me
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult