*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug