I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Sign at work today
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
mentally somewhere in italy
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close