God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.