and this one
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you