babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words