‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
You Might Also Like
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.