My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Customer is always right
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
yeah not falling for this one
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills