What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
You Might Also Like
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
who did the taste test?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage