What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.