“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops