Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder