Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

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Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants


My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.


[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker


for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”


“read” is pronounced like “lead”


I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me


Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.


My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.


My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.


While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems