Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[me explaining why I have two black eyes and fucked up nose to my co-worker]
“I was in a bar fight, it got crazy”
*what actually happened.. Got kicked in the face by an eight year old playing sharks and minnows 😑
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.