Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
opening twitter today
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box