Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Social distancing in Australia:
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age