writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*