If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!