The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I can fix him.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this