[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word