[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Sounds like a bargain
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”