Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Just a reminder, folks:
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Lmbo
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches