Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire