Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
#polloftheday
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all