I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.