I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
You Might Also Like
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”