eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Lmao
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*